Monday, March 29, 2010

SiF #220 - How to have a Fantastic Date

date_night_big.jpg Sex is Fun's best advice for having a great date night that brings couples closer together and seriously increases sexual intimacy. Subscribe to Sex is Fun Listen to the show now! Call us! 206-350-8823 The honeymoon is long over and all of that the passionate lovemaking that used to be common place in your marriage has resulted in a few noisy rug rats that won't give you even ten minutes of peace for a quickie. The career is a boner killer and the yard needs to be mowed yet again. The longer this goes on, the more worn down you feel. The seven year itch has festered and scabbed over to the point where passion is just another unfulfilled emotional need that has become little more than a faded memory. Many of the couples in this rut are either biding their time and promising that someday they'll get time for each other. Others are getting their needs met on the side.

Nearly everyone agrees that intimacy is important in a relationship, but few actually ever make intimate time a priority. Loss of intimacy has a tendency to sneak up on you. Most often, you never realize that your relationship is intimacy deficient until well after it is gone. Even the symptoms of intimacy deficiency are often easy to miss. Feelings of resentment, irritability, mixed with an overwhelming desire to complain about one's own partner is often the first stages of intimacy withdrawal.

When the overwhelming desire to bitch about your partner begins to tear away at you, fight the desire to allow your immaturity to handle the situation for you. Intervene and take back what's so rightfully yours. Grab your partner by the hand and commandeer a bank of time for just the two of you. It is time to fix what is wrong with your relationship and for most of us, all that means is just a little time to reconnect.

Initiating a date night into your schedules.

The first thing you need to do to have a date with your partner is to make time for a date. If your partner is giving you nothing but excuses it is up to you to explain the importance for this time with you. Tell your partner that YOU NEED this time with them for you to continue being in a healthy relationship. Be reasonable with your partner's other time commitments but be reasonable with the needs of your relationship too. Let your partner know that giving you 3-5 hours of quality "us time" will pay you both back in spades. If you are the one in the time crunch, find something once a week in your busy schedule and find a way to delegate it to someone else or eliminate it. The choice is simple, either make this time, or begin preparing to end your relationship. As a funky little green puppet once said, "Do or do not. There is no try."

Preparing for date night.

If you have kids, start calling grandparents, aunts, uncles, teenage neighbors, and Swiss boarding schools. Take turns finding a babysitter. Date night isn't really all that much fun to look forward to if the burden of planning the whole event is shouldered by one of you every single time. If you really are truly without a baby sitter, you have my pity. That said, you are going to need to be creative and don't underestimate the power of bribing your kids to give you a few hours of silence. Be honest with them and explain that you need this private time together. Rent a movie, buy a new video game, or a 10,000 piece puzzle, or whatever will keep them occupied for a while.

What makes a good date night?

It really doesn't matter what you do with this time as long as you are both comfortable and can easily communicate. So loud bars may not make for the best locale. If you are doing dinner and a movie, make sure your restaurant pick is the kind of establishment that allows for a nice quite conversation with lots of under-table flirting. If you can swing it financially, consider having an overnight at a hotel. Don't underestimate the power of not needing to make the bed or do the dishes. Hotels give your relationship the ability to let couples just let go of homemaking responsibilities for an evening. That said, some of my best date nights began with red wine on our deck at dusk and ended with my wife's ass up in the air that I proudly pound in our very own bedroom. So don't over concern yourself with planning, just choose comfort and communication over everything else and I'm sure you'll be fine.

Getting over intimacy anxiety on date night.

If your relationship is really suffering a lack of intimacy, spending time alone with each other may feel awkward or even uncomfortable. Break the ice and start talking. Small talk is fine as long as it is all positive. Do your best to spend the whole date focusing on the positive. You can complain about dead end careers and philandering politicians some other time, tonight, it is all about the best things in life. Tell your partner about the most recent good news you've received. Reminisce about great times that that two of you have shared in the past. Fantasize about good things you are looking forward to in the future. Embrace the idea of growing old together. Compliment your partner on their appearance, or recent accomplishment. Touch your partner. Hold their hand. Gaze into their eyes. Invite your partner to tell you something about them that you don't yet know. Don't laugh, some of the happiest couples I know are still discovering new thing about each other regardless of the fact that they are celebrating their 30th, 40th, or even 50th anniversary.

What to avoid on date night.

Stay away from arguments. Don't talk about friends or family members unless the only thing that either of you can say about them is purely positive. Don't offer criticisms and ignore any and all that you receive. If your partner seems more interested in knocking you down on date night, let them know that you aren't interested in hearing it for the next few hours. Often, returning a genuine compliment for a served insult will make even the most ornery partner more pliable. Of course, there is a chance that your partner is just a complete asshole, if this is the case, just excuse yourself to the bathroom and leave out the back door. The mystery will add mystique to the evening. :P

Some final suggestions to make your date more delicious:

Surprise your partner.
Cook your partner's favorite dish or take them out to their favorite diner. Pack them an overnight bag and hide it in the car. Take them to their favorite resort or spa where you were smart enough to make reservations. Consider preparing a small gift to give them on your date. Everybody likes surprises that are well timed and delivered. Do your best to plan one that you are certain your partner would like.

Prepare for sex.
If you are hoping your intimacy increases enough throughout the date to lead into needed sexual release, prepare for it. Groom your body for sex. Pluck or shave the stray hairs. Have your contraceptives ready. If you take ED meds, have them ready with enough time for them to kick in before you need them. Pre-lubricate your vagina with silicon-based lube. You never know where a really great date night may lead. Anything from the back seat of the car to a impromptu stay in a five-star hotel is possible. Be prepared for any sexual situation that may present itself.

Take turns picking the venue for date night.
Make sure that neither of you are monopolizing the time with things that only one of you enjoy. A good date night should feel like a treat for at least one of you. A great date night offers an event that both of you enjoy. If you really don't enjoy the same stuff, then take turns. Be generous with your partner on their night and enjoy your partner's company even if you despise their pick. Expect them to offer you the same grace on your night.

If life gets in the way for an extended period of time, make up for it.
Getting time from an accountant in April is nearly impossible. Sometimes our responsibilities must take a front seat to everything else. If this happens in your relationship, try to make up for the lost time. Add a brief midweek lunch for just the two of you to help ward off intimacy deficiency. After the midnight oil phase subsides, head off to a week-long extended stay at a resort that will cater to the two of you sharing intimacy.

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1 comment:

Dick said...

I haven't heard the Podcast yet, but this written blog entry is great! It's full of practical advice for real-world people.

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